Month: December 2016

Love Multiplied

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I had an interesting conversation with my son recently. He always asks such profound questions and he really wants answers. He asked me if  I got jealous when our beautiful little chihuahua got more excited to see our family friend–Lisa in this case (but there are a whole host of family friends that he loves) than he did to see me when we recently returned from an outing? I responded by saying absolutely not. In fact,  I love watching him get excited by our company and watching him get loved on by our friends. It was an easy answer and we moved on.

But my mind kept returning to that conversation over and over again. It was a simple question–but profound and deep. The answer was easy and quick to come by. BUT still, it nagged at me to examine it further. Why did he ask me that question? What was his ‘take away’ from my answer? Did I even answer it thoroughly enough? Why do we, as imperfect people, sometimes get jealous of attention paid to others? This kind of thinking/behavior–being jealous– leads to desires to control, bully, and monopolize. It does harm not only to those who are being controlled but to the person who feels it necessary to control or dominate. It makes us unhappy on the inside and insecure. Those feelings, in turn, drive our behavior and ultimately our lives.

I think the answer is to know that love divided is really love multiplied (cliche I know!). How my dog feels about someone else shouldn’t have any impact on how he feels about me or how I feel about how he feels about me!!!  My joy is multiplied by watching him be joyful and get love from many sources. My love is deepened for him when I  see how he relates so beautifully to others. I love that he can receive love and attention from from many sources. And my love for my friends is deepened when they love what I love too. I didn’t just learn this from my dog of course– I also learned it from having children. When people do nice things for my children and my children respond–it fills me with such abundant joy. It is never something that takes away joy–but only adds to it. 

There is something so wonderful about watching people you love all share love with each other.  I believe it is the way things are suppose to be. BUT I know that there are many human factors that block this in many people. That is not the focus of this post though. The focus is just to get people thinking on a different plane. Focus on life from a different angle. Or to just accentuate something that you may already know and feel. 

We have a finite time to be here and figure all this out. It is easy to get distracted and pulled down alleys that lead to dead ends. We can and do become focused on the wrong things. Inside we may know something is missing. Some of us just feel the emptiness while others work in earnest to fill that void: They eat too much, drink to much, use drugs or have affairs. They watch too much t.v. or stay on line constantly. They don’t dare to venture out of their one relationship or they can’t seem to be committed to anyone. They may use ‘love’ as a means to control. Children see all of this and it can define their understanding of love. 

So why did my son ask me this? It is a sophisticated question–and very elemental at the same time.  I sit and think about this–my conversation with my son. I feel proud because  I can see the wheels turning inside of him.  I can see a desire to know. I can see a desire to understand. I can see that ‘the searching’ is there and I can see that even at this early age–he has a drive to transcend. He has questions and he is seeking answers. He is not oblivious to this undercurrent of life. That makes me smile.

My children help me to see things and look at things that I may not take the time to focus on or explore. They make me a better person than I can be alone.  When love is around you–you gain from it. It seeps in and fills the spaces in you that you don’t even know about. Love is strange in that giving it away doesn’t lessen how much we have left to give and in many ways when we give it away–we only add to our supply! And when those you love are loved by others too–it doesn’t change your gift of love to them. 

This question hits me as I realize that my little boy is now a young man. I did not have to share his attention when he was a baby and he didn’t have to share mine. A mother is the center of a babies world and the baby is the primary focus of the mom too. Then children develop friendships and get love and attention from other places. At the age my son is, he is on the cusp of moving forward and becoming even more independent. That means more people in his life. More love. More joy. Not a division of love–but a multiplication of love. 

Is he wondering about this? Is he cognizant of this experience? His world is growing and maybe he has questions–or fears. While I may not be perfect– I know he feels unconditional love from me. I hope he learns not only from my words but from my actions too.  And not just from me–but from everyone around him–good and bad. That time is coming for him to find his own way and–like getting love from multiple sources–getting knowledge from multiple sources can only make your world bigger too.

So we try to understand love and life. Is it easy? Not really. Do we get it wrong? Yes. Do we fail? Many times. We don’t have to be perfect because we are all just works in progress. Our mission is helping each other find the way and hopefully doing it with abundant love. How will it turn out for my son? I only have to observe him to find out. So far– I see it is turning out just fine!

Bullying

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Bullying is happening all around us. It is happening right now. It is happening to some child who is struggling to function under all the weight of being bullied. A child who was previously happy is now being forced to put on a “thick skin” in order to survive. What effects does this have on children? How can they cope?

When a child is bullied, they are in pain. When they are physically bullied, the bullying can be seen and maybe stopped. But what of the emotional or verbal bully? What about bullying through exclusion? What about the child that battles with the pain and loneliness of these invisible methods of  bullying??

This kind of bullying really alters a child’s way of being in the world. It is significant. The child can become sad, depressed, angry, hurt and disillusioned. This disillusionment can have severe effects on the child and on that child’s future. When a child is hurt, they can generally heal. But what about chronic hurt? What about the child that is bullied by a personality disorder parent? Invisible! What about the child who is verbally and emotionally bullied every day at school? Invisible.

The anti-bully programs are a good start. But let’s be honest, they do NOT stop bullying. Many times, the bullying is just covered up better by the person who bullies. Children who suffer through this are affected in many ways. They harden their hearts in an effort to survive this. They isolate themselves. They become bullies themselves toward a weaker person. They turn to drugs and alcohol to deaden their pain. And sometimes, they kill themselves.

What happens inside of those children? They hurt. They cry. They want help but when bullying is invisible–such as verbal, emotional, or by exclusion, often times it goes unrecognized. Or it may be recognized and the victim may be told that it isn’t “that bad” or it is “no big deal” or even to “just ignore it”.  But the effects are not easy for the victim to ignore. When the bullying is ignored or minimized–the child loses hope and faith. They are victims who lose their sense of safety. Not only are they being assaulted—but it is being minimized to them. When parents and institutions minimize this–it sets the victim up for a cascade of problems. Not only dealing with the victimization–but carrying the heavy load alone.

“Meta-analyses1,2 have clearly demonstrated the negative relationship between peer victimization and mental health as well as physical health. Common elements in definitions of peer victimization include the repeated nature of harassment, an imbalance in power between bully and victim, and the intention to cause harm on the part of the perpetrator” according to the study done by Jama  Relationship Between Peer Victimization, Cyberbullying, and Suicide in Children and Adolescents . The outcome showed “Peer victimization is a risk factor for child and adolescent suicidal ideation and attempts. Schools should use evidence-based practices to reduce bullying.”

But what to do to help the victim in the mean time? First, LISTEN to your child. Do not minimize the threat or the emotions involved. Make sure they know that the bullying isn’t their fault but it is the person who is bullying who is at fault. Work with your child to find ways to stop the bullying by modeling responses; by contacting the school; and by strengthening their coping skills. Remember that children may have a difficult time talking about this so be sensitive to your child’s moods; ask questions; and listen to your child when they talk to you. They may be reaching out for help but not know how to do it. Being bullied carries a stigma that children instinctively know. Approach your child with love and acceptance.

Never underestimate the pain your child is in when they are bullied. Know that it is serious and can leads to serious problems for your child. Be smart. Be open. Be loving and supportive. And don’t hesitate to contact a professional for help. Your child’s life may depend on it. Get input from your child as to what they think might help stop the bullying. Then do what you can to make this happen for your child. Talk to the school and get a plan in place to stop the bullying. And finally, seek counseling support if necessary to give your child an outlet for his feelings in a safe and accepting environment.

(Be sure to first interview the therapist and be sure they are a good fit for your child and for your circumstances. Working with a therapist who specializes in working specifically with children is a good place to start)

Nature This!!!

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This whole site is about wellness–mental, physical, and spiritual. We have a need to have balance in our lives and we naturally seek out that balance. One thing that I think is a base on which to build wellness is having a good, safe and healthy environment. That environment would encompass our family, our home, our neighborhood, and our community. I will write more extensively on all of these things in upcoming blog entries. For today–I have one specific topic in mind and it hits me hardest in the spring and in the fall.

So what is it, you might be wondering. It may seem petty to some while it may resonate with others. Right now–it is the fall leaves. What about them, you may be thinking. There are lots of things associated with the tree leaves in the fall. One is the beautiful colors; one is that winter is coming; one is that school is getting underway. Another thing is that they die–and fall on to the ground!!! Depending on where you live and what you believe–two things happen after the leaves fall. One I can relate to distantly and the other I embrace openheartedly! What I can relate to is the intense need some people have to get out there and remove every last leave from their property. While I never bought into that line of thinking–I did practice it on occasion.

When you live in a subdivision, there is immense pressure to make your home and yard look perfect. Every weed is removed. Every leaf is removed. Every inch of grass the same height. Every tree and flower is the same as your neighbors–the carbon copy of each other. And for some-

-that is what they need.

Then there are the people who live differently. The people who recognize that having leaves in the yard is normal and natural. It is how the earth works and the benefits of having leaves die on your grass, decompose over winter and get chopped up and distributed over the lawn on the first spring mowing is absolutely what nature intended. It feeds the lawn. BUT what we do now is remove the leaves and in the spring we pay some company to come and spray toxins onto our lawns to replace the nutrients that we raked up and threw out last fall. So our yards LOOK pretty. Then we spray more toxins on them to remove the weeds and this brings me to my second annoyance.

In the spring, we are greeted by a beautiful gift of nature–the dandelion. They are the first food for the bees and some of the first color of the season. They are bright and lovely and very useful for teas, medicines, and even wine. BUT we have been taught that they are ugly, useless, and must be destroyed with whatever toxin or poison you can find and it must be done so that not even ONE of them grace your lawn–NOT ONE!

If there is even one–you must be lazy, poor, uncaring, or not fit to live near anyone else in society. Surely I exaggerate–but just a bit. People have been somehow twisted against mother nature and against anything that is natural.

We can’t just grow a tree–it has to be cut into perfect symmetry. We can’t just grow a evergreen–it has to be twisted and turned and cut into spirals. Our bushes are trimmed into perfect box shapes or perfect spheres. I guess for some–that is what they need or like.

Me, I’m a different animal. I have always seen it a bit differently but recently have begun to feel an urgency to practice more of what I believe and live more simply and more holistically. What does that mean? Well, it means a lot and I will be elaborating on many of these areas  in different postings of this blog. But for the purpose of this story–it means that I do not spray anything on my lawn. I do not rake the leaves. I do not put any poisons on my lawn or in my garden. And I definitely do not remove the dandelions. In fact–I embrace the plants that grow naturally and even have become rather good at knowing the uses for them: some can be used for making tea, some can be used to cure illness, and some can be used as food.

I enjoy the weeping nature of bushes and never really appreciated the manicured look of the perfect bush or the perfect lawn. To me, it seems unnatural, unreal, and unappealing. We have been conditioned in this society to desire perfection and to be repulsed by the natural ebb and flow of our own nature. A yard full of leaves is repulsive to most people. I witnessed several large houses with a literal army of men blowing all the leaves from the one acre lots into piles and hauling them away in trucks.

I wonder if it is just me. Am I the only one who sees all of this as unnatural? Do others find yards completely devoid of any leaves beautiful–or odd? Do the yards filled with leaves make you feel edgy? Angry? Out of sorts? Or does it make you smile at the absolute beauty of how Mother Nature knows just what to do? Does it fill you with joy and wonder?

What we do makes no sense really. We remove the very thing we are seeking–connection with nature. We take away the natural cycle of birth, development, death and the break down of the dead into the building blocks of life. We remove the leaves which are natural food for our yards and we pour on poisons and toxins to feed the lawn with unnatural things in unnatural ways. We rip out every weed and douse our environment in toxic weed killers and toxic poisons. THIS is not producing the healthy environment for ourselves, our children, our pets or our community in which to thrive and grow. All those toxins leach into our water and we poison ourselves to produce some unnatural form of–nature. Think about that.

While my yard may look like a nature preserve, I am teaching my sons how to treat a mother–Mother Nature that is. Be kind. Be gentle. Be good. Our mission here in this life isn’t to subdue and destroy and control. At least not in my world. It is to co-exist and love and nurture. THAT is why we are really here. And you can live that starting in your own back yard.